dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
