I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
