The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I stole a fireplace last night.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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