You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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