Quick, to the slutcave!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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