Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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