I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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