Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i think i just lost a toe
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
