Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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