Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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