Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
