the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
