If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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