it wasn't lemon gatorade
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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