I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
