I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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