at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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