Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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