If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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