if you like me you must not know who I am
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize