my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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