It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
