She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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