Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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