two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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