It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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