I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize