i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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