xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
