I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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