I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize