A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
