Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
