wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
