I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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