kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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