is your mom at the bar?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
