just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
