he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
