My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
