If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You can't just leave with hair like that
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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