Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
