i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Don't EVER smell your tampon
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
