turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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