Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
