That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
