That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
