I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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