shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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