Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
