she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
