Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
