I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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