why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
