Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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