You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just gift wrapped bread.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
