Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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